Glasgow has a peculiarly aloof breed of inhabitants who reside in the precociously pompous west end area known as Kelvinside, or as the locality's toff gentry would loquaciously pronounce it "Kelvinsaaaahd, if one doesn't maaahnd". Apparently sex there is what they take their refuse in to the 'midding' or as us scum might perchance utter it - 'the midden' (where the rubbish is stashed).

A true story this: I was walking up Cleveden Road one Sunday morning when I happened upon two Kelvinside Ladies, both clutching their respective handbags to their 'chists'. The first of these, undoubtedly revelling in the monicker Eunice Kildare remarked, "I got a terrible shock yesterday Beatrice". "Why, what happened?" "I saw this chap - and he looked so ROGUEISH!" "Where were you?" "Maryhill." "Well, you might know then, mightn't you?"

Wondrous, and absolutely true.