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"That's pure no' real an' 'at, man"
A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours this morning.
Epicentre : Garthamlock, Glasgow
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fuckin' mental" "pure shocker" "quality
blast man" and "innit".
The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos
from the Balearics and Spanish Costas were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.
Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived.
The Daily Record reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with
the fact that something interesting had happened in Garthamlock.
One resident - Tracey Sharon Smith, a 15-year old mother of 5 said "It was a pure total shock, my wee lassie Chardonnay
Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megane-Storm slept through it all. I was still
shaking when I was watching This Morning with that fat cow Fern Britton the next day."
Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to
ship 4,000 crates of Irn Bru to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble
and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, pirate dvds from The Briggait, jewellery
from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Pound Stretcher.
How you can help?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items urgently needed include:- Fila or Burberry shellsuits (male/female - who gives a monkeys
which is which) and baseball caps, Kappa tracky tops, (his and hers), female White sports socks, prison-White trainers and
any other items usually sold in the Barras.
Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:-
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
Ice-cream
Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew
Bottles of Buckie (Buckfast)
Donations also gratefully accepted - remember your money counts:-
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine.
£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those worst affected.
Please do not send tents for shelter as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of the neighbouring areas
of Barmulloch & Blackhill.
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